Corona Queuing: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Virus

Well this sucks.

Here we are, all on lockdown. The adjustments are occurring, Zoom and HouseParty are now things in my life and in my teenage years, this would all be just another day, with my Football Manager addiction looming large.

But aside all this madness, today was a big day for me. I'm packing for a move, which is all very exciting, my girlfriend I'm sure is bricking it but I'm cool as a cucumber, but I suppose if you were a cucumber in these times you probably wouldn't be quite so cool.

But anyway, my day starts with a trip to Sainsburys to pick up some vacuum bags, because they are awesome, it's a sunny Saturday morning and I am raring to go!

So off I trot, it's about a 10 minute walk, embracing the fresh air after being cooped up in my house all week like a disgruntled zoo creature (Yes I have seen Tiger King, it's really weird). As I enter the car park of this particularly large Sainsburys, I see a large queue.

And it's large and well spread, like a smooth multi-margerine pack. It's gone up the end of the car park and back again, so my first mission is primarily patience, of which quite frankly, I'm more than capable of dealing with.

I join the queue and check my spacing, I'm going for two car park spaces worth, but everyone else seems to be free-styling. Time to check out the characters whilst listening to some tunes, I've got a guy with buds in front of me, every time the queue stops he gazes into space like he's having an epiphany, then does that awkward thing where he realises the queue has moved and shuffles forward, this happens continuously. Moron. Two others have made the controversial decision to have a conversation, which given the size of this queue I mean, they are gonna need some strong conversation topics to keep that going. Let see how this develops.

10 minutes in and I haven't moved far, the gaps are getting progressively smaller to make it seem like we're making strong progress, but I know their game. Not a fan of the woman behind me in her sunnies getting a bit close though, don't really have anything to throw at her... back-off Sally sunshine! The guy behind her looks at me with a gleeful look, he finds this all quite amusing, so do I but as soon as I smile back he might try and get my attention, and that's just not an option at this point. Conversational Carol and Talky Terry are going strong, I feel like they are reaching first date territory over there, whereas Barry bud-ears is still oblivious as to his inability to queue. The wait continues.

25 minutes in and this is starting to get a bit tedious. I managed to reach a turning-point, and by that I literally mean a turning point in the queue. I'm looking down the car park and the queue has escalated to the point where the third car-park line is developing, glad I got out of bed for this. Carol and Terry are having their 25 minute anniversary by now walking really close to each other, could not be blossoming better for them, not sure how the story of "we met in a Sainsburys queue" will go down with the grandkids though. Barry is literally such an idiot, I mean seriously, he's started to look back at me a bit more now as if I'm judging him. Well Barry, I am judging you, my eyes are saying, you my friend, have the awareness of a clown. Sally has learnt her lesson and is keeping distance on the turn but I'm worried that when it comes to the home straight she's gonna be testing me again.

35 minutes in and we're making progress. We're now adjacent to the bus stop which has a couple of drivers and their phones, no doubt telling everyone how hilarious this situation is, suddenly I'm Insta-famous and I don't even know it. Carol and Terry have split a bit and I'm not sure what's up, I take my headphones out to get a listen, turns out she's American and I get the impression Carol likes to talk and Terry doesn't quite as much. This shit just got real folks. As anticipated Sally is well on my case, I'm making it VERY clear that two car park widths is what I deem acceptable. It must be that new anti-perspirant I've been using, which is mainly a combination of my living room, and my bedroom. Barry had his biggest break yet a the 30 minute mark and I think has now realised how much of a prat his is. But he has taken an interest in the lady in-front, who is behind Carol and Terry, who hasn't done anything of note so I admittedly have left her out, bless her.

45 minutes and we're at the final turning point, the queue is 3 lines long and there is nothing more satisfying than watching people turn up at the edge of the car park and their faces suddenly turn to absolute disgust. Partners are even better, looking at each other like something's horribly wrong. I can only comment of course as I am towards the end of what has been a rather painful experience, but the sun is shining, the tunes are still strong, but more importantly, Carol and Terry are practically married. Peas in a pod now these two and I for one have enjoyed watching their relationship blossom like a worthy Chrysanthemum. Barry has lost his cool a bit as he's standing near the shopping carts which are proving to be a bit of dangerous dodge. People are grabbing them and are considering walking straight in but then realising oh wait no! One hour queue instead! It's comical, but as you can potentially recall, I am in this queue, to get vacuum bags! I don't want more food, I'm tightly packing here, so I am going to be in this store for about one-fifth of the time I've been queuing to get in it and now I'm debating having a look around just to make it seem worth it. Sally has kept her distance, she's obviously got bored of the fragrance, I considered coughing (into my arm, WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!?) to shoo her away, but I think she's got the picture.

55 minutes (roughly, at this point I'm slightly delusional but possibly tanned) and I am at the door. Carol and Terry are discussing where to have the wedding and when, turns out she's keen to go back to the US and I reckon Terry is the kind of guy who will just go with the flow. Fair play to Terry, but awkward when he goes back home to the wife. That would be a terrible twist. Sally is right on my toes again, I get it we're nearly there, do one and Barry, well, he seems more on it now, he's ready for a good shop.

At the hour mark I strut in and march over to the Argos section of the Sainsburys. No-one around except a disinterested woman talking to a Sainsburys worker. I walk over and ask for her help, politely, but she gives me a strong bitch-face return and says she's serving this customer, pointing to the Sainsburys worker. I hold my hands up and apologise, whilst inside thinking  "YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT MISTAKE WOMAN! I'VE BEEN OUTSIDE FOR NEARLY AN HOUR SO I THINK THAT ERROR DESERVES LESS OF YOUR TONE."

But it's allll good. She's finds the 7-a-side football goal which she was picking up for her child, which I'm immediately jealous of. I waltz over to the counter, yet keeping distance.

"I've got a package to be picked up?" Said with a strong element of politeness and show her my phone with the barcode etc.

"Wrong Sainsburys mate."

...

I mean she didn't even blink.

Again, my outside voice says "Oh not to worry, lucky it's a nice day, thanks!"

My inside voice at this point is, well... speechless.

I linger around and check my phone, I've only ever picked up Argos orders from here, where is this magical land WHERE THEY HAVE DECIDED TO CHANGE MY DELIVERY TO BE SENT TOO!

I wonder around the store, fake looking for things but frantically google mapping the location on the confirmation email, thankfully my phone has picked this moment to mess around with me. It's clear I'm going to have to leave the store. If she's messing with me, I might go insane. I pick up some tape and string to make sure it isn't a completely wasted trip. Strong emphasis on the word COMPLETELY.

Oh I see what's happened, they've sent the package to my local Sainsburys. You know, the one right next to my flat. With no queue. That one.

So, while I let that sink in, I trundle back, pick up the package and well, yeah, time for lunch I suppose.
    

Tube Stories: You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All...

So, after a weekend away on my brother's Stag Do, I'm in a pretty good mood/grieving at the fact that I am, in fact, getting up to go to work rather than preparing for a day of drunken rampaging. But still, we plough on.

I'm not hungover, but I've got that tired feeling. I'm already dreading not taking the day off, but again, doesn't matter now, back to the office chair and, you know, caffeine will help.

I waltz down the road and onto the tube I hop. Well, I say hop, it was more of a begrudging lunge over the dreaded gap we're constantly told to avoid. Probably a good call though.

I manage to lean on the same spot I get most days, headphones in and check the work emails to cut the workload for when I get in, standard procedure for Monday morning. But that's when irritation kicks in, and that's not even the emails.

A man gets on, must be mid 50s, old laptop bag and Bran Flakes. I have nothing against Bran Flakes, but I was already unsure about this guy. What was it? His face, his shoes, the way he'd positioned himself on the carriage, his suit, I dunno, but something didn't sit right.

Due to natural spacial awareness, I've already analysed the carriage. There are a few regulars, middle-aged woman, couple of hipster-esque characters and two women either side, both mid-20s, reasonable levels on the attractiveness chart.

So, in the centre of the carriage, the man I am unsure of starts talking to one of the girls and instantly, she doesn't seem to appreciate it. He puts his hand on her arm and starts talking in her ear. I'm already a little sceptical, and with my tiredness at the levels they were, it was irksome.

Someone exits the train and a seat becomes vacant, which the man (creepily in my opinion) offers to the women. I'm thinking he'll then leave her alone, but no, he leans over, hand by her head and gets what I would consider to be, a little bit close. The woman, still seems pretty damn uncomfortable and my blood is boiling a bit, wondering why nothing is being done. But it's Monday morning on the tube, people don't do things I suppose.

Thankfully, he then pulls away, a little relieving but I'm obviously not happy with what's occurred, first thing on Monday, insane.

He then, walks across to the other side of the carriage and starts talking to the other girl. At this point I am fuming inside, the tiredness has clearly taken over and the music I'm listening to may as well be on mute as I'm now fixated on this ridiculous man. Outraged at the lack of action not being taken, outraged that he thinks this is ok and basically my head is spinning like never before.

He steps towards her and starts talking in her ear, at the angle I've got I can't see her expression, but by this point, it was just getting too much.

And that was when I did something out of character, I'm a pretty laid back kinda guy, I avoid confrontation like the plague and listen to ambience and jazz at the weekend. But this guy was in my head and, absurdly, confrontation seemed like the only option.

I leant over, shoved him in the arm and said in an irate fashion:

“Excuse me mate, but is this what you do?! Do you go around hitting on every woman you see? On a Monday morning? What the hell?!”

An unusual feeling overcame me, slightly of elation but more of intrigue of how a man would respond after being accused of such a thing.

He looked up at me, firstly aghast, but then with a slight chuckle, and simply said:

“These are my daughters.”

Shit.

A combination of about 80% relief and 20% embarrassment then occurs, but in confusion, I just shouted:

“Thank god for that!!”

Headphones in, as if nothing had happened. But it definitely had. Awks.

40 Film Reviews - Now you know what I've been doing in 2017

2017 isn't exactly going to go down in the history books for me, if I wrote history books, but I did get given the task of watching a load of films and reviewing them. After my Netflix Intro, I broadened my horizons and jumped into the outside world.

I learnt some things and left my reviews as they were written. I think looking back I got more and more pretentious as time wore on, but either way it's been fun. Anyway, here are the first 40, with still more to come I'm sure. They started as recommendations (thanks to the older brother), but by the end I'm digging out a few of my own.

Enjoy. Oh and watch out for spoilers... And terrible spelling/grammar.

Mulholland Drive – 7/10

Watched purely after it was given No. 1 for the best film of the 21^st century. Standard David Lynch craziness, very gripping towards the end without being totally sure what was actually going on. An actress moves into town and in confronted by a woman who's just been in a car crash suffering from amnesia, sounds simple enough, but what follows is pretty indescribable. An enjoyable watch nonetheless.

2001: A Space Odyssey – 8.5/10

Another strong argument for why we should stop the development of robots before they attempt to destroy us all. Also, if I get a free pass to Jupiter I'll be saying no, didn't seem like an enjoyable experience. Clever idea though, if only it really was like that in 2001, well I say that, maybe not. Got spaced out a bit (pun intended) but all in all a good watch.

Talk to Her – 9/10

A very emotionally gripping film. The story I thought was very simple, yet clever at the same time. Numerous sub-plots but primarily all about Begnino and his absolute obsession with a woman in a coma. It nearly lost me in the middle but the ending turned it around for me. A part of me feels I'm being a bit generous giving it a 9, but maybe after a few crazy films, something with an element of simplicity was necessary! Superb watch.

Amelie – 8.5/10

They say love works in mysterious ways and I probably wouldn't disagree with that, especially after watching this one. With a feel good factor, I like the way it was filmed with swift movements and a strong focus on narration. Goddamn frustrating at times but I suppose that was just Amelie's character, quirky yet cowardly at the same time. To sum up, a French girl's brought up in a unique style and comes to terms with regular life. It's French. Very French. Baguettes and Berets flying everywhere. It's a “nice” film.

Holy Motors – 3/10

What in Holy Motors hell was that?! I've had to broaden my mind quite dramatically since this whole film mission but that was just a mess. If I had to guess the description, a guy acts for a living but in real life scenes? And that's his job. I lost interest pretty quickly to be honest, I wouldn't even say it was that gripping it was just odd and maybe on this occasion, way too artsy. Kylie and Eva Mendes getting involved as well, kind of crazy, but yer, I was not sold by this one. Next you'll be telling me it was a comedy.

Melancholia – 8/10

Took a while to get going, but once all was unravelled it was a very good watch. Wasn't convinced by the starter plot with the wedding but it progressed well. Music was fantastic as usual, at times a little bit overly dramatic. Difficult to review this without giving too much away. A very gripping film about a woman called Justine clearly with some problems, very dark emotionally (hence the title). Melancholia grabs a whole new meaning by the end of the film. A good watch.

Leviathan – 9/10

Good film. Quite a dark depressing atmosphere and you really didn't want to be Kolya. All was going pretty well to start with and then it pretty much went as wrong as it possibly could. I think I like this style of film because I can relate to the realism which means when something does happen it hits a little bit harder emotionally. Oh and we get it, Russians like vodka.

The Assassin – 7/10

This just steals a seven, but purely based on the elegance and beauty of the filming and scenery. The story itself, well, there isn't much to it at all. A very peaceful watch for a film about an Assassin, taken from her parents at a young age and bought back by a nun after being made into an epic killer. It was nice to watch but at times I just wanted to kick it up the backside and get into gear! Clearly it wasn't that type of film but it was just very slow in large periods.

Once Upon A Time in Anatolia – 4/10

I think simply put I just found this film really boring. I didn't get anywhere near the type of intensity I would expect from the plot, I just found myself sitting there waiting for something to happen. It also ended at a really weird time. Similar to The Assassin in terms of needing a kick up the backside, but without the superb setting. Call me a child and maybe I was having an impatient day, but it was BORING.

The Great Beauty – 9/10

Insightful film, a man that lives off the earnings of writing one book. Very emotional at times but I was a big fan of his attitude, probably because he was a lazy bastard. Numerous interesting sub-plots like the involvement of Sister Maria near the end as well as the woman that supposed loved him all her life. Why did she leave him? We'll never know, probably a good call though, turns out he's a bit of a party animal. Good film.

Spring Breakers – 8.5/10

Well I did not see that one coming. Alarmingly sceptical when I saw what I was getting myself in for but what a good film. Purely because of the surprise factor, firstly I'm just thinking it was an interesting angle on spring break, filmed from a different perspective and then, well, it all goes a little bit crazy. Clearly Selena Gomez made a good call to bow out early. Unexpectedly enjoyable watch.

Let the Right One In – 9/10

I'm not a big fan of Vampire films, or horror films, but if a film makes me feel sorry for a child that eats blood and her lack of relationship with a passive-aggressive Swedish boy, they must be doing something right. Needless to say, Oskar was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Weirdly emotional yet gory, clearly the way to get rid of bullies but probably not my first port of call. I just find it so odd that Eli's character was so lovable even though she was flat out vile. Surprisingly, I love it.

Dogville – 10/10

I never thought in my life I would give the equivalence of a perfect score. But I genuinely think it's the best film I've ever seen. To be so gripped by something that seemed so simple, and the ending, I mean what the actual shit!?! Unbelievable. At times if I was being alarmingly picky, it was a bit slow, but I'm pretty hungover so I'm putting it down to that. Just when you think you're sure what's going to happen next they had in a curveball, the narration was superb, articulate yet cutting and at times borderline comical. What more can I say, it was impressive.

Syndromes and a Century – 7/10

It was a nice film, picturesque, artistic, very relaxing. But I'm starting to find a common pattern with these films, nothing happened. I'm wondering whether during these periods of quiet imagery that I'm supposed to indulge in the world I'm being put into, which again is “nice” but it's not exactly gripping. I think I bumped it up from 6-7 because of the hilarious ending, if you can even call it an ending, you do love your films where it just randomly ends for no good reason don't you.

Werckmeister Harmonies – 8.5/10

So clearly the Hungarians aren't big fans of whales. Jonas was a little bit obsessed, I mean a whale is a whale. But apparently this meant violent carnage, of course. Well filmed, slow at times but not overly so. Too many unanswered questions for me, I don't mind a bit of mystery behind certain things but the key point to this film (I'm guessing?!) was the mob, but I leave the film not knowing specifically why they did what they did. Besides that, it was a good watch.

Blue is the Warmest Colour – 9.5/10

Clever film this, the business brain versus the artistic flair. The ongoing argument of whether opposites attract, both having a set goal as to where they wanted to end up and almost switching places by the end of it. Most will concentrate I would imagine in the difficulty of Adele flip-flopping between genders, but I saw it more as a focus on Adele and Emma's relationship. The two parent dinner parties were a perfect example, the phrase “real job” from Adele's father really summed it up, the idea of lateral thinking in the job market as well as from a relationship perspective. Having said that, I could just be talk crap as I've just watched a fairly artistic film, who knows? Either way, great film.

Tree of Life – 9.5/10

Breathtaking at times, a quite magnificent film. Albeit at times alarmingly confusing, numerous questions can be asked. Was the film all about the focus on the loss of the son? Or was it more the relationship between father and first born, attempting to borderline clone yourself through parenthood and to then realise that you aren't that perfect person that you think you are? The imagery was gripping in the middle, although I'm not quite sure what the point of it was in reference to the film, but nice nonetheless. I was scared to give it a 10/10 as to do it so soon after giving another just seems wrong. I'm not quite sure what the relevance of Sean Penn's part was either? Was he actually his brother? I don't know. Aside from that, a superb film.

Tropical Malady – 5/10

Um... so another weird artistic film. All seems quite self-explanatory at first, but then of course there is a tiger ghost/man ghost, hunter, what the hell, what?!? Am I confused? You're damn right I'm confused. What was it suggesting? The frustrations of a relationship between humans portrayed from an animal perspective? The following of the cow ghost, that he'd shot. I'm sure there is some kind of spiritual logic here, but I just found it a bit odd. I'd love to come up with some kind of analysis surrounding the story in the jungle juxtaposed with the story among humans, but I don't think the film gripped me enough to be interested. I'd have given it a lower rating but it threw out some questions so I've given it a questionable 5.

The Turin Horse – 9/10

Well that was depressing. But I'm guessing that was the point, alarmingly slow, but then it would be if your life had got to that point. Dark, just so dark, the horse being the epitome of what lied ahead, gradual lack of eating, it's like he knew the well was going to dry up. I don't think there is much more to be said, you just get caught up in this life of repetition and poorness, brandy and potatoes clearly aren't a stable diet. I suppose the questions would be, why the sudden darkness? After 58 years of being in that situation why would the guy not be more prepared for such an event to occur? Aside from that, in a weird way, depressingly gripping.

Yiyi – 8/10

So I was very close to giving this a terrible rating in my head about half way through for it basically, just being a Japanese sitcom. But the storyline that changed all that was the little boy. His outlook on helping people to see things they couldn't see was incredibly heart-warming, and then to top it off with that speech at the end left me quite speechless. I would love to give it a higher rating based on his storyline alone, but aside from that, the film itself was a bit “nothingy”, the whole prospect of the grass always being greener within the relationships with NJ as well as Ting-Ting was all a bit, I dunno, cheesy in a way. You could argue the child's thought process was also very cheesy, but from my perspective, the boy done good. Without his involvement, I'd have probably given this film about a 4.

Tokyo Story – 9/10

Well, after what looked like it was going to be another boring soap opera-esque story, developed into somewhat of a heartfelt, emotionally depressing work of art. From the childern's perspective, how can we entertain parents when our lives are so busy? Not to know that that time you see them might be the last. The conversation between Nureko and Kyoto summed it up, “life is disappointment”, was it just the grieving or a hidden meaning? Really surprised the way it developed. Brilliant.

Seven Samurai – 8/10

Good film, nice epic civil war with strong build up in terms of war strategy. Quite a long one and for a war film I wouldn't say I ever overly gripped but I certainly hung onto the story. Quite inevitable that the absolute warrior guru got killed, wasn't expecting it to be a musket kill though, bad way to go, not that I've ever been shot with a musket. And for the Samurai Seven to do it all for the peasants, obviously referring to the last line in the film, after all that feeling like it was a loss, brutal. Long yet enjoyable watch.

Citizen Kane – 7/10

Rosebud. So what it was his favourite chair or something? It could be something simple he says, well turns it it was, or am I missing something? Probably. Anyway, one of a couple of films I'd actually heard of on this list, a bit of New York charm in there which is always nice, swift conversations, that aggressive brass background music which always seems so much louder than it needs to be. Comical at points but I wouldn't exactly say the film gripped me that much, it was a story about reliving a man's' life, not much more to it than that, not a bad watch though.

Stalker – 5/10

This was a bit of a mind-bender in terms of reviewing. But it was never going to be a good review, I must be honest. What I'm getting from this, is a man that hates life so much that his obsession with “The Zone” seems like a absolute paradise and this “room” he keeps talking about. It was rather dark and depressing, but I wasn't gripped by this dark emotion, it was all just a bit odd and unnecessarily dramatic at times. Also, it was too long, there were a couple of floaty bits in the middle which gave you chance to reflect, but I wasn't hanging on every word the same way I may have been with “The Turin Horse” for example. All in all, pretty average.

The Seventh Seal – 7.5/10

Plague fun times. I couldn't work out whether this was supposed to be a really dark film about the plague or a comedy with death just getting some involvement. Certainly quirky and was funny at times but I felt the balance was a bit wrong. Not a bad watch though, shame he lost at chess, I mean taking on Death was probably not a good call, he was always going to be pretty impressive.

Alien – 8/10

Very impressive for a film that was made in 1979! I imagine when this film came out it was quite revolutionary, but given there have been so many films with the same concept since it doesn't have quite as much of an effect now. Having said that, very gripping, intense, still feel like there was way too much of an obsession with the goddamn cat. Even at the end I was like, get rid of the thing, it might still be holding the crazy alien gene! How did it survive anyway? Ridiculous. But either way, good watch.

Metropolis – 7/10

Well my first dive into the pool of 20s cinema and what a ridiculous and unique experience it was. Dramatic, intense, but that mostly thanks to the absurdly loud background music, that and Maria's face, that woman does a good scared face. It ended well, but I give it a more average rating purely because it took so long to get to that, a film that was 2.5 hours felt like a bit of an eternity at times. Still, I can't doubt the twists, whilst I had a good idea it was going to be a somewhat happy ending, I wasn't sure it would end like that. Interesting that a film with that ideology would come out from Germany in 1927, little did they know WW2 was just around the corner!

The Godfather – 9.5/10

I feel like since handing out my first 10/10 with Dogville this is definitely the closest I've got to a perfect score. Especially as it had to lived up to the famous name, but it really is an excellent film. And for some reason, I didn't expect it to end the way it did! And it's odd, because really is it just a gangster film, but for some reason it just feels like so much more. I think the way Mickey's character has to change quite rapidly is what makes it good, also the typical first born in Sunny being terrible at taking the reigns. And, really, just Marlon Brando's voice, we've all heard it mocked or imitated so many times, but to actually hear it, awesome.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly – 9/10

Tuco just won't go away will he, I suppose that that is the point though, the good will always be good so “Blondie” always sided with him. You can see where Tarentino gets a lot of influences, at least that's what it felt like anyway, an aggressive western. The tension on the three-way draw is awesome as well and weirdly enough I didn't predict that was necessarily going to happen. I wonder what Tuco will do with the money? Buy a saloon? Doesn't seem worth the hassle for the money in those days. Anyway, enjoyable film, lost it a bit in the middle which keeps it to 9, but still superb.

Night of the Living Dead – 9/10

Hahaha love the ending. I just recall saying in my head “Wouldn't it be funny if after all that...” and then it happened. For a horror film it was quite an enjoyable watch. I swear the scariest thing about old horror films is quite simply the aggressive musical horns. At least I presume they're horns. Who knows. I'm probably being a bit kind with a 9 but I don't care. The eating of the flesh was my personal favourite moment, nothing like eating a good bit of intestine which looks like a small gardening hose. Barbera was pathetic, I just presumed she'd been bitten because she was useless. Should have been eaten earlier. Anyway, weirdly fun watch.

Psycho – 10/10

Fine I give in. I've dished out another perfect score purely because this is just simple, yet effective. I say simple, the schizophrenia angle is barely simple but, you always knew it was something along those lines but just done superbly well. I suppose I was always going to have to give a Hitchcock film a 10 given his reputation. Everyone loves a middle of nowhere nutcase that has a soft outer shell with a crazy person sitting underneath. Not too long a film either, to the point, genius. That plot-line in 1960 as well, clever stuff.

The Godfather Part II – 9.5/10

Another family roller-coaster of carnage. Michael steps up into the big time role and, well, does a pretty messy job of it if truth be told. Fair to say though, pretty aggressive ending from him in the end, but I suppose he had numerous set-backs with Kay probably drove him a little insane. Again very close to giving him full marks, the switch between the two stories was superb, De Niro was excellent. I felt it ended at a pretty odd time if I'm honest, but I suppose that's why there is a third right? Great film.

Battleship Potemkin – 2/10

I actually found this really boring. It sounded like it was gonna be good, Russian revolution moment, pretty exciting. All a bit predictable though, couldn't really wait for it to end and it was a really short film. The music was a bit pointlessly aggressive which I think was clearly a thing for film around this time-frame. The only vaguely exciting part was the end when they actually let them passed and they were free, but the fact that I was just happy it was over at that point probably summed up my thoughts on the whole thing. Dull.

The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie – 7/10

Well that was a bit of an unusual one, one of those comedies where I wasn't sure if it was a comedy until ridiculous things started to happen. The weird sequence of dreams with consistent killings, it was like some kind of posh rampage. I'm not sure I'm a massive fan of this kind of comedy but it was funny in places so I feel like being generous with a 7. Very random.

Breathless – 9/10

Really enjoyed this film, the adventurous nature of the filming, the quick step, pacey style was very gripping at times. Loved the music as well, matched the style perfectly, the use of the double bass gave it that quirky 50s style. Michel's character was weirdly warming as French arrogance isn't normally something I can get on board with, but for some reason he just had that sense of being unstoppable, typically turning out not to be the case. Patricia was a bit of an indecisive flip-flopper, but made her decision probably just at the wrong time! Great watch.

The Return – 8.5/10

Beautifully filmed and quite simply named The Return with the arrival of long unknown character of two children's father. Turns out he isn't all he's cracked up to be, shock, but the comparison between Ivan and Andrei is really cleverly done. One constantly questioning the decisions he makes whereas the other bowing down to his every word. Loving the relaxed music to fill in the gaps, when really there is so much emotion flying around, I suppose that may be the only negative was that I wasn't gripped by personalities, but great film nonetheless.

Primer – 7/10

I don't really have any words for the confused thoughts darting around my head following on from watching that. Clone fun times? Questionable times flips? Music suited it well with sort of staccato piano notation. I think a more intelligent person would have probably have enjoyed this more given I spent most of the time trying to work out what the hell was going on. Certainly gripping but just not an ideal style for me, still a good watch though.

Satantango – 8.5/10

Difficult film to rate given its absurd longevity. But with a film like this it really does bring home the importance of watching to the end. The doctor has clearly made his decision to hide whilst the rest of the group were willing to face the prospect of freedom/adventure. Some people like their comfortable lives but more often than not people prefer change but each grab it in different ways. The girl chose freedom by killing herself from the grips of her ridiculous family set-up. But then you question also whether the group was really “free” or if they were just being sheep to Irimias' plans, given their seclusion they needed someone to point them in a direction rather than potentially being direction-less in a town such as that one. That's my theory anyway, either that or we just all need a drunken rampage in our lives.

Koyaanisqatsi – 8.5/10

Great film with quite a unexpected pace to it. More with an emphasis around people and everyday life as opposed to “Samsara” and “Baraka” which appeared to have more of a emphasis on nature. Interesting take on what it actually means, the prospect of chaos and a life to get away from, if this was their view in 1982 imagine what their thought process is now! Wasn't quite as gripping as I would have liked which would've come from more slow filming but a great watch nonetheless, I liked the way it moved into intense city life and dated all the way back out to space, kind of like jumping into a ball pit and only realising how ridiculous it is once you're out.

The Hunt – 9/10

An wrongly convicted paedophile and a close knit group in a small countryside town in Denmark. A recipe for emotional turmoil, and what a menu it was. Such a sensitive issue and people automatically assume the worst, to put an enormous amount of trust in word of mouth, especially that of a small child. Emotionally gripping, atmospheric and all around a superb watch. Klara basically just should've kept her mouth shut.

My Introduction to Film - Netflix Style

Earlier in the year, it dawned on me that my knowledge of film is somewhat lacking. I was involved in conversations where I felt nodding along was more appropriate than providing any insight, purely because I had nothing to add. For some reason, on this occasion, I felt this just wasn't acceptable.

This is when I was handed a mission by my dearest older brother, who also felt I needed to up my game. My obsession was Netflix was clear, but it was only TV series that were getting any attention. He compiled a list of films, some of which I had already seen, and informed me that these were a group that needed a watch.

To cut a long story short, I ploughed through the list. But more importantly, I documented my thoughts. You'll see below the viewpoints of a man new to film analysis, moronic and ignorant at times and slightly, well, confused by this new world he finds himself in.

WARNING - Spoilers may be contained within the content... The information has barely been tampered with, although some things were necessarily changed due to inside jokes which wouldn't be relevant to the wider audience.

And it begins... now.

There Will Be Blood - 8/10

After a particularly slow start, Daniel Day-Lewis does a particularly good job of making what seems like a harmless character develop into somewhat of a money-hungry maniac. The weird thing about it from my perspective is that it's only after a bit of contemplation you realise that was always in his character really. Even before the Oil and shizzle. It's no wonder HW makes the not-so bold move to leave him in the end. Pretty good call if you ask me, after being left on a train deaf, not a man I want to be around really. 

Lost in Translation - 9/10

Bill Murray playing a non-comedic role and Scarlett Johansson seeing that guy who's in loads of things but I can't remember his name. Simple idea but done stupidly well. When I mentioned this at work Amanda said "It really makes you want to go to Tokyo!" I disagreed, there were too many people. I can't believe they didn't run away together at the end, but it did make me think about how difficult it would be for foreigners settling in in this country. But the film itself was alarmingly good.

It's Such a Beautiful Day - 9/10

So when I saw it was a short film I knew it would a bit quirky. But this was insane. The way the picture came up in circles, Bill was starting to annoy me. But then it all became abundantly clear. Rated highly purely because it was such an imaginative way of portraying the life of mental illness. I'm just glad I didn't watch it when I was hungover, that would've messed me right up. For a film that lasted about an hour, it felt at times like a lifetime, but not in a bad way, in an insanely gripping way.

Rear Window - 8/10

I could kind of relate to the characters leg injury, but this film portrayed precisely why being nosey is not the way forward. And that people should close their blinds. If he'd have just kept himself to himself none of the craziness wouldn't of happened. But of course then the film wouldn't be quite as good I suppose. Patrick McGoohan should've played that character. The moment he broke his other leg was hilarious. Either way I enjoyed it.

12 Angry Men - 9.5/10

This was absolutely brilliant. I've always been amazed by the judicial system and the prospect of innocence before being proven guilty. I've never been on a jury, but I'm pretty sure I would be Henry Fonda. It would take something pretty special to convince me someone was 100% guilty of a crime. But, more importantly, how we are all different under these circumstances, the blunt arrogance versus the reflective indecisiveness. Superb film.

Dr. Strangelove - 5/10

My first negative review? Seriously? Bet you didn't think I was capable of that did you? I got all excited, love a war film, especially a Cold War possiblility!! I suppose it was supposed to be good because of the intensity prior the last final act, but I didn't feel it. Plus, the character, I mean I'm all for uniqueness but again, just an odd person. It's a no from me.

Once Upon a Time In America - 7/10

When I saw the film was nearly 4 hours long I quivered like a nonchalant salmon going upstream, so I had prepare for the marathon ahead. To sum it up, really just a gangster's life on the run. Max is a disgrace though, picked a supposedly unusual way to kill himself! Noodles is a perfectly metaphorical name for his character, what is your obsession with Deborah? She has the personality of a trout, sucker for a dancer clearly. Plus, he could've maybe been a little less rapey. But yes, flipped time nicely, all-in-all, a rather fishy experience and I wouldn't say I was hooked.

Vertigo - 9/10

Now after the start of this film I was alarmingly skeptical, yer good one, a woman who is possessed by a dead woman, what a ridiculous concept. And it turned out it was. I was so hypnotised by this ridiculousness that I couldn't have pictured that happening. Nothing like a cheeky twist. Fair to say Scottie was pretty aggressive, direct as Judy put it, Midge got the brunt of it though, as if she thought painting that picture was a good idea, moron. And then Judy only went and jumped, these women just weren't thinking it through. Either way the film developed brilliantly, very clever, an enjoyable watch.

Manhattan - 8/10

So... Woody Allen plays Tinder? But in a bit of an unusual way. All got a little bit out of hand as well, Yale the moron, thinking it was a good idea to set them up. Foolish. But as far as basically a film about relationships going array, not too bad. To start with I found the way he talked so openly about relationships a bit weird and borderline uncomfortable at times, but I suppose that's really because not many people do? But yes, not a bad watch.

Ghost in the Shell - 9/10

This was really good. My first Anime watch, at first I thought I was walking into a generic action film but it didn't half get a bit complicated. Still, I can understand why it's being made into a film next year, not sure Scarlett Johansson is ballsy enough though, she was a proper badass. Very gripping, in your face, enjoyable film.

Love - 7.5/10

I think there are only so many times I can watch the same two people having sex so that for me was where it lost points. Very artsy, and I consider myself to be slightly of that ilk but this was a little bit far. But then I suppose stereotypically this is what happens when two people who are very "out-there" hit it off, hence why I haven't given it a horrendous rating. Not my style, but I can see what they're doing.  

Annie Hall - 9/10

Similar to "Love" in the obsession with one person angle, which is good but what I loved about this was the interaction with the camera and at times with other people randomly. When you have an infatuation with someone it's the numerous questions that go around in your head, quite cleverly done. Time flips as well, this in comparison with "Manhattan" is better I feel it's less about the jumping from one woman to the next and more about the singular person which I think gives a deeper insight.

Battle Royale - 8/10

The interesting analysis of suddenly having to leave all previous emotions behind and kill all your friends in order to survive. Would you group up or immediately get the picture and go out in a blinding destructive massacre? A good film and not always predictable, I mean I should've seen the end coming. Not sure about the guy who just does it for fun, I mean what kind of a hobby is that?! Bit of a crazy one... But I think the film typifies the difference in people in situations of surprise carnage, suddenly the fake little school-based rivalries were picked out for reasons to kill, no wonder people mention how horrendous bullying is, turns out it might get you a head-shot.

The Lives of Others - 9.5/10

Brilliant. Absolutely top class excellence. This is a great example of "What a ground-breaking moment in modern history, how can we make a film surrounding this?" and bang! Again, Weisler seems like an absolute nutter, disciplined to the core, and suddenly someone like Christa gets involved in his life in the most ridiculous way possible and it can break a man just like that. The ending was sensational, the man with a writer's block was saved by the man who essentially saved his life from absolute torture. I was teetering in the 8's until that final scene, very touching and just really put it all into perspective. 

Force Majeure - 8/10

I hate emotional conflict at the best of times and I've never felt more awkward than the scene where Ebba just blurts out in front of beardy GOT man and girlfriend about the fake avalanche incident. Admittedly it wasn't a great move by Tomas, but I just presumed he was a stubborn male, I didn't realise he was on the verge on an epic breakdown. I think it's fair to say this might be why we never went skiing, talk about a bit of a disaster holiday. Filmed exceptionally well, I think that's probably why it felt so awkward because strong pauses would be taken and awkwardness would just surround the room. Even beardy had to swim in the sea of emotional turmoil thanks to the stupid girlfriend, just because your being hypothetical doesn't mean there isn't an element of truth behind it. Moron. 

Pi - 8.5/10

Welcome to the mind of Mad-man Max. Lacked any social skills and was ultimately amazing at Maths. Amazing how a subject can just engulf a human being to such an extent. Did he metaphorically drill the maths out of his head at the end? Kind of makes sense given you were then given a brief moment of the man he could be when not obsessed by numbers. The perfect example of a imbalanced human. I suppose where it lost points if any for me was the theory behind the jewish people, the storyline seemed quite pointless and by the end it was just another thing for him to run away from. And Marcy and her random chip of glory, felt like two gap fillers on a good album. Nonetheless, good film.

Antichrist - 7.5/10

Good lord that was a bit graphic. Something tells me that when you lose your child in such a way, maybe psycho-analysing your wives reaction isn't the way to do it. I think he must have realised at the point that she decided it was time to put a hole through his leg. It was well filmed but I think horror/dark films of that ilk aren't quite my style. Willem Dafoe can't half play an evil man really well though. Maybe a little while until I go on my next holiday related to the woods... Whenever that'll be. 

Baraka - 8/10

I was waiting for Attenborough to start his commentary but it just never happened! But in all seriously, a very good idea and very original. I was starting to drift off but the torture scene scared the bejeebus out of me. Very gripping. Simply put, maybe the world would be a nicer place if everyone just shut up for 5 seconds? Enjoyable watch.

Deep Web - 8/10

Very interesting story and interesting the angle they took. This is guy set up an open market so people could access drugs and all sorts easily and he's sold as the god who highlighted the governments inability to leave people alone online. Could he quite easily been sold as a maniac who somehow could access all this material? Anyway, good place to maintain anonymity, the dark web, but DPR was found quite easily, kind of the point he was trying to make I suppose. Personally, I'd have like to have seen more emphasis on the court case, it was surprising how quickly that turn around.

Network - 8/10

And how the television set can effect even the average person. How far do people go to get good ratings? Turns out taking a mad man and making him do the news was the way forward, but I suppose this is a prime example of work over life balance. The married man makes the error and regrets it pretty swiftly. Good film, strong insight and more importantly a good example of how we clearly spend too much time in front of screens and it can have a very strong effect on our lives. Interesting how I'm making that point given this current project I appear to have got myself involved in. But hey, at least I'm aware of the issue. 

The Thin Red Line - 8.5/10

I think arguably the extra .5 may just be because I do like a war film. It's no "Saving Private Ryan" but it has a rather brilliant cast and all the relevant necessities of a war film. Strong relationships stemmed from back home juxtaposed with scenes of war to give the indication of how ridiculous it would have been to be alive at those times. Not overly emotional but also for me takes a strong look at the aspect of how far you would go, how heavy your heart would be, having to make decisions which could quite easily destroy a or many men's lives. Do the decisions of everyday life have any comparison with those of what those had to make on the front line? Doesn't appear that way. 

45 Years - 8.5/10

How strong is a relationship really? Well this is an interesting bit of analysis. When a man finds out his girlfriend's body has been found from pre-his current marriage, he kind of loses the plot a little bit. She died in a mountain accident (another reason to avoid hill-walking) but this is clearly a man who maybe doesn't show his emotions that much in everyday life, suddenly something like this can make you act unexpectedly. Well-filmed, very sombre atmosphere, definitely one to watch. 

Millers Crossing - 9/10

The Coen Brothers tend to make me quite happy. 9/10 purely because of the type of film it was I suppose, action-packed gangster film. Tommy is a bit of a nutter and counts himself as the big cheese of the whole operation, and clearly his tactical skills in the area of deception are pretty top notch. Good for the numerous twists and turns, I wouldn't say it's too over-the-top gangster as well, it's quite quirky in an unusual way so I think it would suit a wider audience than expected. With names like "Tommy", "Leo" and "Frankie" it could not be more New York if it tried. Enjoyable watch.

Downfall - 9/10

Superb film and a really clever idea for a film. I'm guessing it's been done before, but it gives a strong indication of what it must've been like for the Nazi's/Hitler, stubborn as they were, to give in at such a important part of history. I was disappointed to see Hitler actually involved as a character, but he was played quite well. Amazing how when I describe it he seems more like a mythical creature, it's almost as if what he did was so horrendously disgusting, I can't quite believe it actually happened.

2 Days 1 Night - 8.5/10

I think what I found incredible about this was something which to any other person would seem like such a menial storyline, but you get so engulfed in what the pair have to go through to try and convince people in a small town between money and community, that it becomes amazing. A unique and enthralling watch.

The Strange Colour of Your Bodies Tears - 8/10

I can usually handle weird and dark atmospheric types of films. And I'm always up for something a bit different. But this was just a bit too far for me! One thing I can say, it is alarmingly gripping, one of those where I really want to look away, but I really can't look away. Hypnotised almost by the craziness in front of me. Basically, a man loses his wife and it's a long, crazy road to find out what happened to her, a very long road, good luck predicting what happens, because it's practically impossible.

Samsara - 9/10

This film was brilliant, and was exactly what I needed in my hungover state. Soothing yet gripping at the same time, same as Baraka (guessing it's done by the same person? Robert Fricke?) but I think maybe the pictures were more stunning. Many a moment was my mouth wide open in astonishment at the beauty that is the world that we live in. Or that we don't live in. It genuinely makes me want to consider travelling, which is something I will probably never do, I just need more of these types of films to be made so I don't have to move. Very relaxing.  

World War Crisps: The Popcorn Revolution

Now, I don't know about you but there are only a few things in life which I'm quite sure will never let you down. Whether it be a well-layered bacon sandwich after a hefty night out or a well-placed sofa in front of a television, this ramble is based solely around a beautiful food product, which now finds itself in a war. I'm talking of course, about crisps.

The public are oblivious to this situation and it is happening right under our noses. Let me give you a run down as I have been watching this development closely.

It all began in 2012, crisps were just minding there own business, sales were consistent and rolling well. Walkers were continuing there beautiful reign, which the crisp world was well aware of and accepted this. But then... this happened.

An article was released (by a paper that shall remain unnamed) suggesting that now was the time to ditch crisps as a new healthier and convenient force was coming to the shelves. Sales for this product had jumped 300 per cent, which is a lot of per cent, and suggested that this product was "suddenly the most fashionable snack on supermarket shelves". The product, was popcorn.

Now, let's rewind time. Because we can. In the early noughties popcorn knew its place. It dominated the cinema area, simply salt or sweet, simply brilliant. Because that is what popcorn is at this point. It isn't complicated, because the cinematic experience shouldn't be so, crisps doesn't get a look in.

Crisps are aware of this and accept it. They don't understand why when watching television popcorn is a better option, if anything it's louder and would prove a frustrating distraction whilst watching a film, but that was that. Crisps lived outside, popcorn inside, the prospect of otherwise occurring was just not on.

But then Popcorn just decided to get greedy. Suddenly this wasn't good enough.

I'm not sure what happened? Why did this occur? What MONSTER, decided that it would be a good idea to expand and just full on attack the market where crisps clearly ruled. Bread and Milk looked on in amusement. They had no invitation and in my opinion, it was just darn rude.

"But hold on!" said the people of crisps.

"WE RULE THIS LAND... But we shall accept your back-door entrance, on this occasion."

Maybe it would be nice to have another fair option to bring to the table. But by inviting popcorn to play, they didn't realise they had effectively allowed an aggressive enemy to come in, with tanks and shit, and blow the situation wide open.

And then it happened. It was no longer just salt or sweet, it was flavours galore. CheeseCorn, Caramel Crisp, Cashew Caramel Crisp and then the recipes developed and suddenly popcorn could offer these supposed "fashionable" options which quite frankly made the crisps world want to vom like an aggressive drunk.

Over a 10 year period Popcorn has gone from cinematic rare food to a regularly purchased snack. And as the public, we only had ourselves to blame.

We had been brainwashed into thinking that because it's "new" and "fresh" it needs to be done. The truth, which most people appeared to be avoiding for no apparent reason, was that crisps offer all this and more.

Crisps were under pressure.

But then... this happened:

http://www.actiononsalt.org.uk/less/surveys/2015/Popcorn/157970.html

If you can't be bothered to read the link above, let me break it down for you.

Popcorn has shit loads of salt in it. Which turns out, is NOT a good thing.

Thankfully for the kings of crisps, we live in a world now where food health is quite important. I guarantee that most people will have a conversation daily which will involve either calorie counting or people "trying to be good", even though a high percentage of people don't know what that actually is.

Crisps knew they weren't off the hook, it's not like they were alarmingly healthy, but it took the positive public word of popcorn and shook it up a bit. Fashionable food nowadays tends to equal healthy, affordable and ideally quick.

Now we come to the present day, and after a topsy-turvy war we appear to be at a stalemate. Having said that, popcorn's persistence doesn't seem to be halting, the battle will continue to commence.

So I think we need to have to take a good looooong look at ourselves.

Do we want to live in a world where popcorn is the dominant snacking option? I think not...

We owe it to crisps to help them get through this treacherous time. They have been servicing our needs and wants for decades and deserve respect. Whether it be a simple Ready Salted or an elaborate Thai Sweet Chilli, we can't let these beautiful flavours go down without a fight.

So, I think it's time to kick popcorn in the Prawn Cocktail. Go away popcorn. You suck.
 

Sport Shop Stories: The Race on the Hill

Ok, so this post technically isn't a sport shop story because it occurred outside the shop. But, I felt it was necessary, because it was a surreal moment, something that had never happened to me before, something I felt I needed to share with the world. Plus, I haven't written anything in ages and weird shit like this inspires me, which after reading this you'll probably find a little unusual, but yer, whatever.

So, after a days work at the sport shop, pretty busy day actually, a Monday as well which was a pain, I was on my way home. Now, my journey home involves nabbing a lift off my manager, which he is more than happy to do. I think it's because I'm such good conversation, I mean I talk to him all bloody day I would've thought the last thing he's thinking of is spending more time with me. Anyway, so he gives me a lift to the little town I live in, and then I begin a ten minute walk (well on a bad day, normally it would take like seven minutes but I thought rounding up would be more appropriate) up a reasonably legendary hill in my area. How can something be reasonably legendary you ask? You're about to find out...

The first thing I have to take into consideration on my journey home is the people who take the train. If all is well, I will get to the hill before the crazy commuters, if not I will be ambushed by people all around me, which sucks because I like a smooth walk. At the bottom of the hill, I can see the commuters and I know already I'm in trouble. Now, I like to think of myself of the Usain Bolt of walking, if I need to turn on the pace I'll do it, whoever you are, if I'm behind you, you're under pressure. I'm like a hyena running after an antelope on one of those animal related programmes with David Attenborough as the narrator. Except instead of eating my pray, I merely waltz past him/her and smile after my sensational work.

However, as I was saying, trouble was brewing. Brewing like a cup of tea which had been left on the side for ages and forgotten about, or you know, pouring milk into your tea after waiting ages for the kettle to boil but forgetting that the milk is off, now that's a disappointing situation right there. But this was different to curdled milk, this was walking suicide. People are coming in all directions as I watch in horror, but I know at the end, waiting for me, is home.

I managed to find a gap in the commuters, but it was a difficult gap to find, which meant the position was already questionable. At the first turn I only had two in my view, both middle-aged men, both with good pace, not pace I was willing to put pressure on at the early stages of the hill. The nearest to me was a bald man with what appeared to be walking-style shoes, this man already demanded respect, and that was what I was willing to give him at this point. On the other hand, I was well armed. My shoes were about a month old, trail shoes perfectly designed for walking, more cross country walking, but strong enough to deal with such hills as this one. However, I could sense traffic, the second man, who was ahead of the pack, had reasonable pace, but you could tell we were gaining on him. At this point, it felt more like Baldy McBalderson and I had formed an alliance telepathically in order to take out this "Average Joe" of walking.

Thankfully for Joe, we hadn't got to a point of overtaking yet, the path was narrow and all Baldy and I could do was maintain pace. It was the end of a long working day, and I could sense both were tiring, but I don't think my pace intimidated them, so all I could do was wait. The first point of overtaking was upon us, a double turning, I was relying on Balderson to make the move, he had a little too much pace for me to make the move on both men so he needed to get things moving.

This was where, in my view, the alliance was destroyed. He slowed, but at precisely the wrong moment. He was right on his tail, but didn't grab hold of the opportunity, I thought this man had balls, but instead, he just had a bald head with disgustingly average looking walking shoes which my feet wouldn't be seen dead nestled inside. He was a disgrace, and all the respect I had for the man vanished within seconds, I was now on my own again, where I should have been all along. But this distraction had back-fired on me drastically, there was suddenly someone else in the game, and he looked a real contender. When I turned back to cross the road, there he was, gaining on me, suddenly I was the bait and he the hunter.

I couldn't escape, the hunter had become the hunted. I was under the spell of the unknown genius and I couldn't get out of it, I panicked, I knew I had to pick up the pace, but with Baldy that close in front I would've just walked into him, AND THAT WOULD BE WALKING SUICIDE. Thankfully, the path had narrowed, but the unknown genius still maintained a new pace, a pace where I had been before, but I was worried about Baldy, Joe was still going at a snail's pace, and not a very fast snail at that. Let's face it, slow and steady doesn't win the race, I mean what the hell that hare was doing against that tortoise I'll never know. Well I wasn't up for making the same mistake, I had no time for rest, I had an unknown genius up my arse and a Bald Man not getting out the friggin way.

My pulse started to race, and no I don't mean my pulse actually jumped out of my body and got involved in the battle to the top, because that's just ridiculous. All I could do was look down and all that was staring back at me was the shadow of the unknown man, breathing down my neck, putting pressure on all three of us. At this point I was disappointed that my choice of song on my Ipod didn't really match the epic battle that was going on around me. I should've been listening to Eye of the Tiger on repeat but instead I was stuck with Steven Wilson's new album, a mere floaty album which I would normally listen to the day after a heavy night out to relax. Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic album, but it just didn't add up. Nope, nothing was adding up...and I had never been under so much walking pressure in my life.

However, there was a chance, my overtaking zone, the zone of uncertainty, the opening of all openings. This was a legendary area for me, one where I did most of my best work, and people just don't see it coming. The hill had levelled out, so it was no longer a battle with the hill as well as the players involved. I sensed my legs appreciated this, and suddenly second gear was a very realistic prospect, I took a glance behind to check on the anonymous god-like walker, I've never seen so much concentration on a man's face, unbelievable stuff.

We entered the zone, and Baldy was slowing up, I had really miss-judged this man's quality, he had used up all his energy at the bottom of the Hill and was losing pace fast, I had him in my pocket. He darted left and I jumped at the opportunity, jinking round him to his right like a gazelle. And this is where I really got excited because Joe, who had maintained his averageness, had a similar line to the one I had created meaning a gap to his left, I could do nothing else but take the opportunity.

I was in pole position, number one, top of the pops, I had the freedom of nothingness ahead of me and really turned on the pace. No-one was catching me now, I wasn't turning back for Joe or Baldy, and the unknown genius? Not even he had the pace to keep up with me, he must've missed the chance.

Opening the front door was like breaking the finishing line tape, never have I been under so much walking pressure. I have never been unexpectedly overtaken whilst walking, and I don't intend to be any time soon.

So, the moral of this story? Don't be Joe, Joe ruins it for everyone. Maybe on this occasion Joe was the fool on the hill. After all, the Beatles wrote:

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the world in his head,
Sees the world spinning round.

So, basically, he wasn't really concentrating.

Idiot.

Sport Shop Stories: The Shoes That Got Away.

We come to the second edition of Sport Shop Stories and this one was…well…fantastic for the neutral. But being involved was rather awkward.

The story begins on one Saturday when my manager sold a pair of shoes to this man, who he said was AT THE TIME a nice guy, no problems, just needed a standard pair of trainers.  He proceeded to try on some, seemed convinced by the shoes quality and fit and went on to the counter to purchase the shoes.

Now this is where you have to pay attention.

He bought the shoes, but asked my manager to keep the shoe box as he was going to wear them straight away. This, for anyone that doesn’t shop for shoes much, is a dangerous step to take (see what I did there?). At this stage, as that box will immediately be destroyed and taken off to recycling, which means if he fancies bringing them back, well, we won’t be able to sell it as the box is long gone. So, if you haven’t worked out what is going to happen next, well you just haven’t been paying attention, have you.

I rock up Monday morning, likely hungover and frustrated due to the lack of knowledge I have after part-taking in a pub quiz the night before, but content that I have a fairly sub-standard day of work ahead of me.  Manager and I discuss how brilliant our weekends were over a nice cup of tea and so far, all is well.

I can’t remember exactly whether he was the first customer of the day, but he was certainly an early bird, but was clearly in no mood to catch any worms. Of course, I haven’t met this man yet, so I am understandably composed and ready for selling, as is my manager. Let the conversation commence:

Manager: Can I help sir?

Shoe man: Yes, I’d like to return these shoes?

The tone of my managers voice changes. He doesn’t like returns, neither do I, it makes us look rubbish. When the takings of the day kick off with negative figures, generally not a good start, is it?

Manager: May I ask why?

Shoe man: (Epic pause, like really long, probably a sigh in there as well, for effect) Well they’re slightly too big.

Too big? A little bit odd, mostly you’ll get returns for a shoe being too small which is fair enough because no one wants broken toenails, too big is rare, but I’ll accept it at this point.

Manager: Have you got the box to go with them?

Shoe man: No I left it to you.

AWKWARDNESS then occurs. My manager and I know we can’t refund these shoes and he looks pissed off enough as it is. This is when my involvement mixes things up.

Me: Have you got your receipt?

Then, Vesuvius erupted. His face turned to me as if I’d just said “Your wife was really good in bed last night. Might pop back again tonight if you’re out?”

Harold Shoeman: (In an angry tone) Don’t be so bloody cheeky!

He is right. I mean what kind of outrageous question is that to ask a customer, whether he has a receipt or not, the mind really boggles. My face was probably similar to the first time I saw Inception at the cinema. Not really one of fear, but more complete confusion as to what was going on in front of me. Any composure I had when first meeting this man had vanished in the blink of an eye, I was in a different world. My manager on the other hand was equally as shocked, but was somehow prepared for the situation.

Manager: What’s cheeky about that? He doesn’t know who you are; you could’ve walked in with any pair of shoes without a box from another shop.

It’s lucky my manager has balls; I was still in another world. Of course my manager decides now is the time to drop the massive bomb, while he’s riled-up.

Manager: Besides, without a box we can’t re-sell these shoes.

AWKWARDNESS then occurs. Followed by a full blown argument between the two, in which Harold called me “rude” and “cheeky” several times. I manage to wake up and get away from the other world I temporarily got lost in, not because my map skills are terrible (which they are), more because I’d rather be lost in another world than the ridiculous one in the shop. I sneakily broke away from the conversation and into the back, because I had to laugh at this point. I felt if I did it in front of Shoeman, I’d be living up to the label he had just given me and I did want him to be right about that, did I?

Harold Shoeman: (Post-argument) I demand you speak to your manager at the bigger store!

Manager: I will (But only because he wants to tell him about the ridiculous customer we have in our shop)

While this discussion is happening, which my manager obviously takes to the back so he can give our other manager the full picture of how much of a $?!$&*(@@:>>@:@@::@ this guy really is, I am left with Shoeman.

AWKWARDNESS COULD NOT OCCUR MORE, no words are spoken, I don’t even look at him, I pretend I’m doing something on the till computer which is really important, but I’m just constantly checking how much money we have done in the day, which given he is one of the first customers, isn’t a lot. It was a shame I didn’t have a beard to scratch, I’d shaved the day before, not that my beard is normally epic enough to scratch, but it would have killed at least 15-20 seconds. Shame I couldn’t go back to my other world, it was a much simpler place.

My manager returns, with these simple words.

Manager:  I’m sorry…

Harold: (Interupts) Right that’s it! I’m going to go to the bank and sort this myself.

Manager: Um… I don’t think you can…

Harold: I will stop this transaction, this is ridiculous!

He was right, this was ridiculous. I was tempted to wait until he was far enough away from the shop, then run to the bank and warn them of the horror that is Shoeman. I mean I wasn’t at my fittest at this point but I would’ve been confident that I could out-run a man with no shoes. The even more ridiculous thing was that he left us with the shoes, before storming out of the shop. The shoes that have now been sitting in a bag behind the counter now for well over half a year and whenever I look at them, I am reminded of the day this happened. That is the only thing I shall thank him for, because he was a right %^*):>@?:@.

 
Just for the record, I don’t think his name was actually Harold Shoeman. If it was that would be incredible. Oh and he wasn’t successful in his mission to stop the transaction either. Bad day at the office you could say, but in this case, he was in a Sport Shop.