Well this sucks.
Here we are, all on lockdown. The adjustments are occurring, Zoom and HouseParty are now things in my life and in my teenage years, this would all be just another day, with my Football Manager addiction looming large.
But aside all this madness, today was a big day for me. I'm packing for a move, which is all very exciting, my girlfriend I'm sure is bricking it but I'm cool as a cucumber, but I suppose if you were a cucumber in these times you probably wouldn't be quite so cool.
But anyway, my day starts with a trip to Sainsburys to pick up some vacuum bags, because they are awesome, it's a sunny Saturday morning and I am raring to go!
So off I trot, it's about a 10 minute walk, embracing the fresh air after being cooped up in my house all week like a disgruntled zoo creature (Yes I have seen Tiger King, it's really weird). As I enter the car park of this particularly large Sainsburys, I see a large queue.
And it's large and well spread, like a smooth multi-margerine pack. It's gone up the end of the car park and back again, so my first mission is primarily patience, of which quite frankly, I'm more than capable of dealing with.
I join the queue and check my spacing, I'm going for two car park spaces worth, but everyone else seems to be free-styling. Time to check out the characters whilst listening to some tunes, I've got a guy with buds in front of me, every time the queue stops he gazes into space like he's having an epiphany, then does that awkward thing where he realises the queue has moved and shuffles forward, this happens continuously. Moron. Two others have made the controversial decision to have a conversation, which given the size of this queue I mean, they are gonna need some strong conversation topics to keep that going. Let see how this develops.
10 minutes in and I haven't moved far, the gaps are getting progressively smaller to make it seem like we're making strong progress, but I know their game. Not a fan of the woman behind me in her sunnies getting a bit close though, don't really have anything to throw at her... back-off Sally sunshine! The guy behind her looks at me with a gleeful look, he finds this all quite amusing, so do I but as soon as I smile back he might try and get my attention, and that's just not an option at this point. Conversational Carol and Talky Terry are going strong, I feel like they are reaching first date territory over there, whereas Barry bud-ears is still oblivious as to his inability to queue. The wait continues.
25 minutes in and this is starting to get a bit tedious. I managed to reach a turning-point, and by that I literally mean a turning point in the queue. I'm looking down the car park and the queue has escalated to the point where the third car-park line is developing, glad I got out of bed for this. Carol and Terry are having their 25 minute anniversary by now walking really close to each other, could not be blossoming better for them, not sure how the story of "we met in a Sainsburys queue" will go down with the grandkids though. Barry is literally such an idiot, I mean seriously, he's started to look back at me a bit more now as if I'm judging him. Well Barry, I am judging you, my eyes are saying, you my friend, have the awareness of a clown. Sally has learnt her lesson and is keeping distance on the turn but I'm worried that when it comes to the home straight she's gonna be testing me again.
35 minutes in and we're making progress. We're now adjacent to the bus stop which has a couple of drivers and their phones, no doubt telling everyone how hilarious this situation is, suddenly I'm Insta-famous and I don't even know it. Carol and Terry have split a bit and I'm not sure what's up, I take my headphones out to get a listen, turns out she's American and I get the impression Carol likes to talk and Terry doesn't quite as much. This shit just got real folks. As anticipated Sally is well on my case, I'm making it VERY clear that two car park widths is what I deem acceptable. It must be that new anti-perspirant I've been using, which is mainly a combination of my living room, and my bedroom. Barry had his biggest break yet a the 30 minute mark and I think has now realised how much of a prat his is. But he has taken an interest in the lady in-front, who is behind Carol and Terry, who hasn't done anything of note so I admittedly have left her out, bless her.
45 minutes and we're at the final turning point, the queue is 3 lines long and there is nothing more satisfying than watching people turn up at the edge of the car park and their faces suddenly turn to absolute disgust. Partners are even better, looking at each other like something's horribly wrong. I can only comment of course as I am towards the end of what has been a rather painful experience, but the sun is shining, the tunes are still strong, but more importantly, Carol and Terry are practically married. Peas in a pod now these two and I for one have enjoyed watching their relationship blossom like a worthy Chrysanthemum. Barry has lost his cool a bit as he's standing near the shopping carts which are proving to be a bit of dangerous dodge. People are grabbing them and are considering walking straight in but then realising oh wait no! One hour queue instead! It's comical, but as you can potentially recall, I am in this queue, to get vacuum bags! I don't want more food, I'm tightly packing here, so I am going to be in this store for about one-fifth of the time I've been queuing to get in it and now I'm debating having a look around just to make it seem worth it. Sally has kept her distance, she's obviously got bored of the fragrance, I considered coughing (into my arm, WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!?) to shoo her away, but I think she's got the picture.
55 minutes (roughly, at this point I'm slightly delusional but possibly tanned) and I am at the door. Carol and Terry are discussing where to have the wedding and when, turns out she's keen to go back to the US and I reckon Terry is the kind of guy who will just go with the flow. Fair play to Terry, but awkward when he goes back home to the wife. That would be a terrible twist. Sally is right on my toes again, I get it we're nearly there, do one and Barry, well, he seems more on it now, he's ready for a good shop.
At the hour mark I strut in and march over to the Argos section of the Sainsburys. No-one around except a disinterested woman talking to a Sainsburys worker. I walk over and ask for her help, politely, but she gives me a strong bitch-face return and says she's serving this customer, pointing to the Sainsburys worker. I hold my hands up and apologise, whilst inside thinking "YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT MISTAKE WOMAN! I'VE BEEN OUTSIDE FOR NEARLY AN HOUR SO I THINK THAT ERROR DESERVES LESS OF YOUR TONE."
But it's allll good. She's finds the 7-a-side football goal which she was picking up for her child, which I'm immediately jealous of. I waltz over to the counter, yet keeping distance.
"I've got a package to be picked up?" Said with a strong element of politeness and show her my phone with the barcode etc.
"Wrong Sainsburys mate."
...
I mean she didn't even blink.
Again, my outside voice says "Oh not to worry, lucky it's a nice day, thanks!"
My inside voice at this point is, well... speechless.
I linger around and check my phone, I've only ever picked up Argos orders from here, where is this magical land WHERE THEY HAVE DECIDED TO CHANGE MY DELIVERY TO BE SENT TOO!
I wonder around the store, fake looking for things but frantically google mapping the location on the confirmation email, thankfully my phone has picked this moment to mess around with me. It's clear I'm going to have to leave the store. If she's messing with me, I might go insane. I pick up some tape and string to make sure it isn't a completely wasted trip. Strong emphasis on the word COMPLETELY.
Oh I see what's happened, they've sent the package to my local Sainsburys. You know, the one right next to my flat. With no queue. That one.
So, while I let that sink in, I trundle back, pick up the package and well, yeah, time for lunch I suppose.
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